The more they love you the less they need you

It’s my weekend as a trade for last weekend because my children were at a church event last weekend with their mom’s ward. Now it’s Friday night. But my ex wanted to take the kids to a movie so said she’d bring them tomorrow morning. So I texted her back and asked if I could get a night added sometime this summer. I said it less because I could figure out how to do that, and more to impress upon her I was concerned about what she was doing, taking one of my nights.

She: “When they are gone to youth activities during your time, I don’t feel a need to make up the time since they are also gone for youth activities on my weekends – it is about supporting the kids. And since [your son] is going to Moab with you, I just understand that it is part of the give and take and have not thought to try and keep things ‘even.’ I am more than happy to be flexible when you have things scheduled. Just let me know when you would like them.”

Me: “Just understand that I see them only about 8 days a month, whereas you get them about 20, which itself is far from even. U.S. family law seldom gives the father enough to do his part to support his kids.”

She: “Divorce is far from ideal and it is important for them to have a relationship with you. [Your  children] adore you.”

Some Thoughts

  • Since the mother has the children most of the time, for her to extend her time is easy. She just brings them a day late into the father’s weekend, which she already has off work. For the father to extend his time, he has to take a day off work. (Or to try to grab a day from the mother’s weekend in my case requires two extra hour-long round trips to get and return the kids.)
  • “Divorce is far from ideal.” In other words, “take your lot and deal with it.”
  • “It is important for them to have a relationship with you.” She’s trying to make me feel good and to stop complaining. I just want to see my children.
  • What does “your children adore you” have to do with how much time I get with my children? Because they adore me I don’t need to see them as much? That’s supposed to make me feel better, and make up for seeing them less? Is this to help me stop being sad at my little time with them? If they didn’t like me wouldn’t I want to see them even more and try to make my relationship better?
  • When she asked to let her know when I want them, I should have told her, “Every weekend.”