Category Archives: Validations

Sharing of the real-life struggles of divorced fathers, to give us the knowledge that we are not alone in our hardships, feelings, and experiences.

Dos and Don’ts of Divorce

Unlike most posts, this will deal not with the divorcé, but with the one comforting a divorcé.

All those having gone through divorce should succor those going through it. It’s a good way for us to heal. We bear another’s burdens and at the same time we learn we’re not alone, and we both are lifted.

There are things to do and not do when you put your arm around a fellow divorcé (or even divrocée, as we can comfort them, too). It’s easy to have the attitude of “I know exactly how you feel! My ex this-or-that and I this-or-that,” But those of us hurting don’t need preachers. We know our failings well, we know (or think we know) the failings of our ex, and we don’t need someone to add fuel to the fire, even if we may want our world ablaze in anger and blaming.

So here are some dos and don’ts for us divorcés (and other listening in) when we are comforting another starting the walk down the road of divorce.

Don’ts

  • Don’t assume you have to talk.
    A hug or an understanding look, a how-are-you or a few minutes to listen, are often more than words.
  • Don’t tell your own grief story unless you’re asked, and don’t go off on a long rant.
    If you do tell your story, make it tasteful and with the intent to lift and validate, not start a bonfire.
  • Don’t offer advice.
    … except carefully. Perhaps share what worked for you if you’re divorced, but don’t prescribe and preach (especially if you’ve never been divorced!).
  • Don’t brush off any feelings that may be expressed, even if foreign to you.

Dos

  • Recognize there is intense grief at the loss of a relationship, dreams, plans, potentially a home, the noise and bustle of a family, and usually the ability to see children as in the past. There is a loss of control and input into your family’s activities.
    It is like losing a loved one–in fact we have lost a loved one, someone we do or at least did love, and lost the daily relationship with our children. Some say divorce is worse than death—and I do. Having lost my mother, a sister, and a son, the loss of my marriage and intact family has been more traumatic. Every return of my children to their mother and the home I used to live in (for many of us) is a loss all over again, a reminder and a reopening of a wound.
  • Give full, focused attention.
    And make that attention real and feel it in your soul.
  • Invite to activities, to church, and to whatever seems appropriate.
    Divorcés hunger for companionship, and often seek the wrong kind of companionship, and too early. There is intense loneliness and a feeling of loss of self-worth.
  • Ask if you can come visit. Or just go visit.
    People, even family and friends, tend to stay away from divorced men. The ones that could support you most are often the most distant. (During the first two years of my own divorce, the most difficult time, I recall only one visitor that I didn’t invite, my ex’s brother and sister-in-law. Even my sisters, brother, parents and friends never showed their faces. I hope that’s not typical.)
  • Allow sharing of honest feelings, including anger to God and church and ex.
  • Share your own feelings and words of love and caring.
  • Give a little gift, such as a basket of fruit or something simple or meaningful.
    That item may become cherished and a reminder of your caring.
  • Pray for the person, and to know what to say and do, and how often.

Beds

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Having been out of work for nine months when my wife asked me to leave our home, and having no income to hire a lawyer, and with my wife’s assurance our divorce was a “standard” divorce, I still felt uneasy signing the divorce papers, to say nothing of my wanting nothing to do with the divorce in the first place. I was ramrodded. I had learned over previous months that the more I pushed back concerning the divorce, the worse our relationship and everything became. So I pulled back in every way. I was submissive and hoping and praying that with the divorce being out of my control, my wife would calm down and reconsider. I was oblivious and in denial that it would actually go through. It was beyond my comprehension. But I signed, believe it or not still believing it was not really going to happen.

By the time the divorce was final two months later on October 18 I had a job. I was living rent-free in a condo (bless you, David!) and didn’t have a sense for what my expenses and financial life would be like in the long run. I was totally overwhelmed, and devastated emotionally and spiritually. I cannot describe my grief. (I attempt in other posts.) It would yet be several months until my dire financial situation would hit me … when I had to start paying rent. Other posts will perhaps describe this is more detail, but suffice it to say that the most I could pay for a place was $250 a month. How could I afford a place I could host my children on that? Would I stop paying my donations to the church? They had been such a blessing to me before. I knew I couldn’t. Staying with my parents didn’t cross my mind because they live a fair distance from my work and children. A few miracles happened to allow me to stay in a nicer place than $250 could afford, again another story. I subsisted for several years on next to nothing.

I felt the desire to seek mediation to relieve the burden. I talked with a lawyer-neighbor-friend and he felt I had a case to push my ex to come to mediation, even though our divorce decree stated we couldn’t seek adjustment to the decree unless one of our incomes became 10% higher or lower than at time of signing. I hired him, and several months later met my ex in mediation.

As part of the proceedings I asked for more time with our children. Seeing them only 114 hours a month out of 720 was heartbreaking and difficult. Understatement. (Unless you’ve been divorced, you likely can’t comprehend.) Yes, I even calculated the hours. It was unfair. Was I not as much a parent as my ex? In mediation I asked for joint custody. That was turned down. The mediator suggested to keep them one more evening when they came on the weekends, Sunday evening, and take them to school on Monday. My ex agreed.

At this time I was renting a bedroom in my friends’ home, where they were so gracious to let me sleep with my children on the family room floor in their basement when they came to visit.

Through the mediation the counter-requirement for me to be able to have them until Monday morning was that each of my four children must have their own beds. Thinking back on it, it was a silly request to prevent me from seeing them two nights more a month. Not surprisingly if you think seriously about it, the weekends they came and we camped out in sleeping bags on the basement floor every other weekend was such fun. It was a sleepover with five sleeping bags covering the living room floor, a camp-out of sorts. Breakfast and lunch were created and served on a card table in that same family room, or more commonly on a blanket on the floor picnic-style, with the sleeping bags rolled up and used as backrests. I shared the kitchen upstairs with the family when I didn’t have the children with me, but had a microwave and a small (very small) fridge in the basement. (The family I was renting a “room” from were and are angels. Literally. Renting a room, they let me take over their entire basement when the kids came.) My children and I would sit and chat until late. It was a bonding time that I needed desperately with the void of divorce. (Even if you are married with children, I recommend camping out on the living room floor as a family now and then!)

To think that having beds for my children would somehow make for a better or safer experience for my children, or make me a better father, in order to allow them to stay two extra nights a month now is nonsensical. It was nothing than a trick to keep me from having them those two extra nights a month.

By a “fluke” (no such thing in my mind–it was clearly the hand of God) a few weeks after mediation a couple in the neighborhood were moving and had two sets of bunk beds they were getting rid of. Did I want them?

And equally as miraculous, the wonderful family I was living with said I could put those up in their basement family room, and basically take over the family room as my own, even though I was paying $250 to rent only a room in their basement.

I had four bunk beds and a place for the kids to sleep (as if they didn’t have a place to sleep before). Now my children could stay with me into Monday morning.

A sad part of the story is that by now my ex had been encouraging the older two, now of age to be in the youth program of our church, to not attend church with me on Sundays. To have them “split their experience between two youth programs would be too difficult and confusing for them.” I had the distinct and clear impression to the contrary, that father is more important than friends and where they attended church, and more importantly, there is nothing more important a thing I could do than to worship with my children. Suffice it to say the older two of my four youngest no longer came to church with me at this time except on rare occasions like Fathers Day (another source of grief and sorrow). But I am happy to say that as my third later turned 12, my gentle encouragement and a few comments to my ex, have allowed her to continue to come to church with me.

And … my two youngest at least stay during the school year through Monday morning when I take them to school!

I wish I could put words to this story to convey the blessings of the Lord I feel in the events I describe. In spite of hardship, Words cannot describe the praise I have for my Savior in intervening in some indescribable way beyond the veil, to allow my children to stay those two extra nights a month. And to have four beds fall in my lap at the exact time I needed than and couldn’t afford them. And to live with a family that allowed me to rent their entire basement at the cost of a room.

Let me explain as best I can: If you think of the times in your family experience, what have some of the most truly important healing or bonding or touching times come with your children? Besides the big whoop-de-do vacations and the fun extravagant planned times, what do you count as the most cherished times when hearts were touched, tears were shed, feelings and testimonies were born, and peace reigned? Were not many of those times in the quiet evenings around the kitchen table sharing and talking, or tucking the children into bed, reading bedtime stories and sharing personal experiences and thoughts, laughing together? Not to say the one-evening-a-week with dad aren’t appreciated, but most of that time is fixing dinner, doing homework, then driving them back to Mom’s. Three to four hours passing too quickly. The long evenings into bed time are key. As a divorced father with four Friday and Saturday nights a month with his children, adding two more of those per month, now six out of 30 nights instead of just four, becomes more valuable than rubies or gold.

My prayers are with you,

Carl

80% of Men go Inactive from Church by Three Months after Their Divorce

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I received an email from one of the woman single-adult leaders a couple weeks ago. In it she shared that in a meeting with church leaders she was told 80% of men become inactive by the time three months have passed after a divorce. Here’s an email I sent as followup.

Hi [Friend],

Since your email I’ve not gotten thoughts out of my mind from what you shared. I’m heartbroken at what’s happening to single men in the church (women, too, but my focus is on the men).

You listed what some of the men you know shared as to why they go inactive. The day after I got your email I made my own list. Here I flesh out some of those thoughts. I wonder if other men would agree. Perhaps these are just me, as I’ve never shared them with another person from whom I’ve gotten feedback.

Why men go inactive after divorce:

  1. Men usually lose their support group after divorce. Most women stay with their ward, their support group, for at least a number of months. Even if the ward members distance themselves from the divorced woman, which I suspect is not the usual case, the familiarity of faces and leadership helps immensely. The RS president, home teachers who know her and the family, and hopefully a loving bishop, all help keep the woman active. The man loses these connections when he moves to a new ward and stake–there’s a deep sense of loss and strangeness, aloneness, and uncertainty. Even the most loving ward has a hard time filling in the gap of the family ward.
  2. It’s hard enough for a family to assimilate into a new ward. A single person has a tough time. The man, particularly. Because of societal portrayal of men, the Church and other organizations must treat men as “suspect,” guilty until proven innocent–men in the church cannot be alone with a child or woman with an escort or backup, for example. Divorced men cannot go on standard full-time missions without a wife, but a woman can. These give the man a feeling of guilt, of second-class citizenship.
  3. Women having usually the children with her more often than the fathers, have a consistency of life and its activities and lifestyle.
  4. Upon divorce, men lose their couple friends. Even though it wouldn’t be appropriate for either the single man or woman to be with a married couple in a double-date type of situation, the woman will at least tend to keep in touch with the wife of a couple more than a man would keep in touch with the husband. This is one more loss for the husband. Notice how even in church meetings when couples sit together, it’s almost always the women that will set next to each other. When the woman is taken out of the mix, the man loses out.
  5. Society promotes women with children as abandoned and in need of support, and wards and the Church and U.S. family law support this. (There are books on this topic alone.) Upon divorce our ward assisted my wife in many ways: helped her move, and helped her paint her new home 20 minutes away, for example.
    The husband is seen as tough and self-reliant. When I moved back into the ward when my wife and children moved out, so I could clean and prepare our home for sale, although I could have asked, there were no offers for assistance. The work of yard sale, five truck loads to the dump and another five loads to DI, and endless hours of cleaning and repairing were done alone.
  6. Society paints the divorced father as the “deadbeat dad,” even though statistics show most are current on alimony and child support. Movies portray men as bumbling and inept. (Another book can be written here, and some have, such as “Fatherless America.”)
  7. Family law treats the father as guilty until proven innocent. Another book could be written, and indeed several have (“Taken Into Custody: The War Against Fathers, Marriage, and the Family”), that described the unconstitutionality of family law. As soon as our divorce degree was signed, processes were in place to garnish my wages, and adjust these garnishments automatically for insurance coverage. Too much to say here, but I found that Utah’s Office of Recovery Services, for example, knows about my finances and changes in financial standing before I even have a chance to call them and make changes myself–when my employment ended last year, they contacted my ex before she even knew I was out of work, requiring her to get insurance for the children before I called them to give them my new insurance, costing a couple hundred dollars more per month.
  8. The woman will often keep the home, or moves to another less-expensive home, whereas the man usually goes to an apartment. Indeed, for the first two years after my divorce until I took my ex to mediation and had a small adjustment made to my alimony, I couldn’t afford a place that cost more than $250 per month. I am forever grateful the Arthur’s that allowed me to rent a room in their home and allow my children to camp out in sleeping bags on their basement floor when the came to visit. Even though just as much space is needed to host the children by the father, the woman’s place is seen as the children’s home, and the man’s just a place to visit. There’s not the same sense of stability or permanence for the man and his children. His is just a place to visit, not live.
  9. Men are given the feeling of being imprisoned. Sounds like an exaggeration? The divorce decree specifies visiting rights, when children can come visit their father. It’s a continual struggle for the man to see his children as much as he wants. When the woman’s holiday falls on the father’s weekend, for example, there no stipulation for making up the father’s lost time. (Labor day this year was Michelle’s weekend, which happened to fall on my weekend, meaning that a full four weeks will pass before I get to have my children for the weekend again. In that four-week period I will see them four Thursday evenings for three hours, 12 hours out of 672 hours. It’s hard for a father to feel like a father.)
  10. Men have a natural tendency and desire to be the protector of the family, but divorce prevents a father from doing this protecting, causing frustration, hurt, and even anger. I hear often of how mean and even cruel husbands can be, and wonder sometimes if this comes “naturally” (not that it’s right), when the wife files for divorce and the man’s ability to protect his family is threatened and finally taken away. I’ve only confessed this to one person, and I don’t consider myself an angry person, but after our separation I’m embarrassed to describe the fits of anger and even rage I went through after taking my children “home” after their visit with me, knowing I wouldn’t see them for another week. Let’s just say that I’m glad my car windows were up, and that I’m still alive. 🙂 The father loses his ability to protect his children, to know their lives and their friends, to be involved with them. I still have to calm myself when I remember what little part I play in my children’s lives since I’ve been removed from the home.
  11. Now I understand why some fathers sever ties with their children. To continually be saying goodbye to them, to then not see them for days or a week is painful. As much as I love my children, there have been times I wanted to quit the game and the pain. I push forward because I love my children and I know they need a father.
  12. Two thirds of divorces are filed by the wife, and family no-fault divorce law prevents the husband from having nearly any control in what transpires. He cannot prevent the divorce, becomes a pawn in the hands of his wife in the divorce process, and law favors the woman (although I hear it’s slowly getting better) and often grants the mother full physical custody.
  13. The father gets the feeling that he’s paying child support and alimony for the right to see his children. If a father falls in arrears, it’s not uncommon for the father to lose his visiting rights. As a side note, many years ago I was out of work for nine months. Our family buckled down and lived frugally and survived together. I was out of work for three months last fall, but that sense of “let’s work through this together” is entirely gone. I called the ORS to let them know I was out of work. I felt like the Gestapo was on my tail. “How are you going to pay? How are you going to get caught up?” My ex texted me and asked where payment was. It was a steamroller on my tail, threatening to run me over if I couldn’t make my payments. Instead of the feeling of “working together through a tough time and battening the hatches and sharing the pain,” everyone was against me. Indeed, I’ve heard of fathers out of work being put in jail for non-payment of child support and alimony. Now that’s a nice way to solve the problem, preventing the father from finding a job!
  14. Feminism plays an immense part in societal support of the woman over the man. (The book “Manning Up: How the Rise of Woman has turned Men into Boys” discusses this.) It’s not that women shouldn’t be equal in many regards to the man, but feminism diminishes the godly role of women in favor of taking over the role of the man, and likewise diminishes the godly role of the father.

In other words, Satan is winning many battles.

Forgive the long email. And I sense that may have come across as quite emotional. It was a chance for me to do a brain dump of thoughts from the past six years and help clarify what has been floating in my mind. It is to imagine what’s behind the 80% statistic you shared. It certainly came across rough and diminishing the pain of the woman in the divorce, but the intent was to help paint a picture of a man’s view. I wonder how close my experiences match those of others. I’m sure we’re all different.

And with all that said, as negative as it may have sounded, please know that I’m founded in my Savior and grateful for his Atonement. The heavy loads mentioned above have been lifted from my shoulders or at least been made incredibly lighter. I joy in the growth I’ve had over the past almost six years. I have profound gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned. Although nothing like what Abraham went through, recent years have been an Abrahamic test for me. Each of us will be given an opportunity to show our willingness to remain true to what we know and to show our commitment to our Father in Heaven. This life is short, with tests galore. You know of them yourself, with the loss of your good husband and your health issues. I have failed in many ways, but I have learned much, and at least I have learned better to not care what others think, and do my best to remain true. My blessings are innumerable. My heart burns with the knowledge of the importance of our covenants and foundation in Christ. I struggle daily to continue to seek to forgive fully. I’m just a proud and haughty man. It’s easy to blame others for my hard times, to play the victim. You mentioned forgiveness and asked about my journey with it. I’ve come so far, but it’s the highest hurdle I’ve been faced with. Not long after your shared your response to my email, below, to my mind came the story of Corrie Ten-Boom. I believe it was she that years later after the concentration camp came face to face with the man that had brought into her life so much horror. And she was to shake his hand and forgive him.

Through it all, I want my brothers in the gospel to have the same redeeming experiences I’ve had over recent years, and to not lose hope.

And children are so deeply affected by fathers leaving the Church. How can we bring these men back?

I’m curious how you heard that the Church leaders are concerned about single men. What have you read or heard? I hear and see little support in the Church for men of divorce. The occasional talk and Ensign article, but even those are as often about men whose wives passed away, not men of divorce. How do we reach those men that are leaving, the 80%? They need to be caught at the time of divorce, not afterwards. The nature of what I’ve said above means they’re out of reach of the Church and its leaders too quickly. Three months before my divorce I was already out of the home and the ward. I can hardly describe the difficulty I had in going to a new ward as a newly separated man. It was monumental. I had to put all perceived embarrassment and awkwardness aside and go only for me. Those seven months before I moved back into the ward to sell our home were the most awkward of my life. Then those three months back in my home ward as a single man, awkwardness all over again, with people who just moved out my ex and children, and who didn’t know how to relate with me. I was an island. Then to move into our ward here, Parkway 4th, was yet starting over again. I try to imagine what would have given me support. Who could have reached out to me, and when? My new bishops tried, but they didn’t know me and weren’t familiar with divorced men and their issues.

I wish there were something I could do. (There are some things I’m doing on the side, and I’m curious of they will someday play some part.) I know a few men who have or are going through divorce, and unfortunately, in some regards, they are among the 20% that will stay active in the Church. What about the 80%? I wish there was a support group that immediately upon separation fell into place to give the man guidance and strength. To leave the responsibility upon new home teachers in a new ward, who don’t understand divorce, and who wouldn’t likely be assigned until the man is past the three-month mark and “lost,” isn’t working. Support must not be at the ward, nor even the stake level, because the men move out of their home stakes, and the new ward doesn’t know of them soon enough.

So many unanswered questions. So much work to do.

Carl