MEN, we must wake up. Yes, family law, the feminist movement, and society may cripple much of our ability to be father to our children. But there are still many things we can do. Here are things I’ve done that now over 8 years I see the benefits, and notes I’ve collected:

• When divorced 8 year ago, I decided no matter how embarrassed or lonely or awkward I felt, I’d attend the same events as if I were married. That meant all Church meetings, wedding receptions, ward parties, etc. These were some of the hardest things I did. I’ll never forget that first Sunday to a new ward as a single father. It’s the last place I wanted to be. But the consistency has proven worthwhile.
• A study shows that the level of church activity of the father has the greatest bearing on the activity of the children. [When I have the reference to this I will update this post.]
• Accept all Church callings and let my kids see me serving. Talk about my calling and its blessings to me.
• Attend the temple often. Take your children to the temple, when of appropriate age, for baptisms, or schedule other sessions. Even though I was working full time and had a busy church calling, for three years I worked in the Jordan River temple until it closed for renovation. I could do this because I had no wife or children at home. They let me work every other Saturday when I didn’t have my children. Once a month I take my youngest to do baptisms at some temple. Two years ago we took a train trip to Denver with the focus to attend the Denver and Fort Collins temples.
• Minister with my kids. Take both my two youngest, the ones that stay weekends, to visit the families I’m assigned.
• Pray pray pray together. We pray over meals, and never leave the apartment without praying. We have “family” prayer morning and night. I pray like I did on my mission, upon waking, at meals, and as we left the apartment, and every other chance we got.
• Scripture study every morning they’re here.
• When alone, I leave my scriptures and study materials on the kitchen table where I eat. It focuses my own daily study and as I walk by them reminds me of my true focus. I leave my study materials out when they arrive so they see they are a focus to me. I share what I’m learning.
• My walls display temple pictures, pictures of Christ, The Family Proclamation, and The Living Christ.
• I include my ex in our prayers, I let them know I care for her, and I ask how she’s doing. (Our divorce decree says I can only communicate with my ex by short texts and email, and only about the kids, but I hope my attempts help my kids feel less divided.)
• When we enter the chapel for church, I ask them to look to see if there’s someone we should sit by, my ministering families, or perhaps someone that I sense may feel awkward towards a single father so needs to see us together, or perhaps another broken family so we can support their kids who are also there only every other week.
• I’ve considered doing a quarterly Skype family council with my married kids out of state and those here in Utah.
• Share a Google calendar with my ex. I include all my time with them as well as doctor, dentist, and other appointments.
• I always attend my children’s parent/teacher conferences with them. I look for every opportunity to do what a “normal” parent would be doing. This is tough because I’m not around for the daily interactions that let me know what I kids are involved with, but keep my ears open and ask questions about their lives.
• I talk to my ward’s youth leaders and ask them to include my children in communications and activities, even though the can’t usually come. They have been good to do so.

I sleep in a twin bed in a child’s bedroom and have four bunk beds in the master so I can have my children with me. But what does having a bed for them have to do with being a good father? Nothing. Some of our fondest memories together were when I lived in the two room condo and we all slept in the living room / kitchen / family room in our sleeping bags. When I moved into a bedroom of my friends’ home for a year, we did the same; my friends allowed my four children and me to take over the basement family and game room with our sleeping bags. But my wife’s amended divorce decree mandated that to have my children stay into Mondays on the weekends I had them (I’d take them to school Monday morning), they each had to have their own beds.

I was blessed by my friends’ goodness, who allowed me to set up four bunk beds in their basement family room when a neighbor just “happened” to be giving away four. (Can we possibly think God’s hand was not involved?)

My ex wife’s seemingly silly and nonsensical demand for beds became a burden on my friends’ hospitality.

The irony is that  my children have never stayed over into Monday. I invited them, but didn’t want to have them caught in the middle of my “war” with their mother (to use my sister-in-law’s words). “War”? How can my love for my children and my hunger to see them more than six days a month be considered war? If I’m at war, it’s not against my ex. The irony is that I love her, but my war, if there is one,  is not against her but against the system of lawyers, state enforcement agencies, the plunderers of my privacy who have pushed into my personal life, stuck their hands into my family, my bank account, my work, my personal life,  and become the Big Brother to make sure I live by every point of my ex’s divorce decree. They are whom I am at war with. A war and daily battle to be involved with my children as much as I can.

So I make every excuse I can to be with my children. I offer to take them to the dentist, the orthodontist, and I volunteer at the school in my son’s class where I help children behind on reading skills … and I then sometimes see my son from a distance as I arrive at the door to the classroom.

The insanity  of it all  is without the words. I want the government out of my life so I can be a father to my children.