Unlike most posts, this will deal not with the divorcé, but with the one comforting a divorcé.

All those having gone through divorce should succor those going through it. It’s a good way for us to heal. We bear another’s burdens and at the same time we learn we’re not alone, and we both are lifted.

There are things to do and not do when you put your arm around a fellow divorcé (or even divrocée, as we can comfort them, too). It’s easy to have the attitude of “I know exactly how you feel! My ex this-or-that and I this-or-that,” But those of us hurting don’t need preachers. We know our failings well, we know (or think we know) the failings of our ex, and we don’t need someone to add fuel to the fire, even if we may want our world ablaze in anger and blaming.

So here are some dos and don’ts for us divorcés (and other listening in) when we are comforting another starting the walk down the road of divorce.

Don’ts

• Don’t assume you have to talk.
  A hug or an understanding look, a how-are-you or a few minutes to listen, are often more than words.
• Don’t tell your own grief story unless you’re asked, and don’t go off on a long rant.
  If you do tell your story, make it tasteful and with the intent to lift and validate, not start a bonfire.
• Don’t offer advice.
  … except carefully. Perhaps share what worked for you if you’re divorced, but don’t prescribe and preach (especially if you’ve never been divorced!).
• Don’t brush off any feelings that may be expressed, even if foreign to you.

Dos

• Recognize there is intense grief at the loss of a relationship, dreams, plans, potentially a home, the noise and bustle of a family, and usually the ability to see children as in the past. There is a loss of control and input into your family’s activities.
  It is like losing a loved one–in fact we have lost a loved one, someone we do or at least did love, and lost the daily relationship with our children. Some say divorce is worse than death—and I do. Having lost my mother, a sister, and a son, the loss of my marriage and intact family has been more traumatic. Every return of my children to their mother and the home I used to live in (for many of us) is a loss all over again, a reminder and a reopening of a wound.
• Give full, focused attention.
  And make that attention real and feel it in your soul.
• Invite to activities, to church, and to whatever seems appropriate.
  Divorcés hunger for companionship, and often seek the wrong kind of companionship, and too early. There is intense loneliness and a feeling of loss of self-worth.
• Ask if you can come visit. Or just go visit.
  People, even family and friends, tend to stay away from divorced men. The ones that could support you most are often the most distant. (During the first two years of my own divorce, the most difficult time, I recall only one visitor that I didn’t invite, my ex’s brother and sister-in-law. Even my sisters, brother, parents and friends never showed their faces. I hope that’s not typical.)
• Allow sharing of honest feelings, including anger to God and church and ex.
• Share your own feelings and words of love and caring.
• Give a little gift, such as a basket of fruit or something simple or meaningful.
  That item may become cherished and a reminder of your caring.
• Pray for the person, and to know what to say and do, and how often.