I received an email from one of the woman single-adult leaders a couple weeks ago. In it she shared that in a meeting with church leaders she was told 80% of men become inactive by the time three months have passed after a divorce. Here’s an email I sent as followup.
Hi [Friend],
Since your email I’ve not gotten thoughts out of my mind from what you shared. I’m heartbroken at what’s happening to single men in the church (women, too, but my focus is on the men).
You listed what some of the men you know shared as to why they go inactive. The day after I got your email I made my own list. Here I flesh out some of those thoughts. I wonder if other men would agree. Perhaps these are just me, as I’ve never shared them with another person from whom I’ve gotten feedback.
Why men go inactive after divorce:
- Men usually lose their support group after divorce. Most women stay with their ward, their support group, for at least a number of months. Even if the ward members distance themselves from the divorced woman, which I suspect is not the usual case, the familiarity of faces and leadership helps immensely. The RS president, home teachers who know her and the family, and hopefully a loving bishop, all help keep the woman active. The man loses these connections when he moves to a new ward and stake–there’s a deep sense of loss and strangeness, aloneness, and uncertainty. Even the most loving ward has a hard time filling in the gap of the family ward.
- It’s hard enough for a family to assimilate into a new ward. A single person has a tough time. The man, particularly. Because of societal portrayal of men, the Church and other organizations must treat men as “suspect,” guilty until proven innocent–men in the church cannot be alone with a child or woman with an escort or backup, for example. Divorced men cannot go on standard full-time missions without a wife, but a woman can. These give the man a feeling of guilt, of second-class citizenship.
- Women having usually the children with her more often than the fathers, have a consistency of life and its activities and lifestyle.
- Upon divorce, men lose their couple friends. Even though it wouldn’t be appropriate for either the single man or woman to be with a married couple in a double-date type of situation, the woman will at least tend to keep in touch with the wife of a couple more than a man would keep in touch with the husband. This is one more loss for the husband. Notice how even in church meetings when couples sit together, it’s almost always the women that will set next to each other. When the woman is taken out of the mix, the man loses out.
- Society promotes women with children as abandoned and in need of support, and wards and the Church and U.S. family law support this. (There are books on this topic alone.) Upon divorce our ward assisted my wife in many ways: helped her move, and helped her paint her new home 20 minutes away, for example.
The husband is seen as tough and self-reliant. When I moved back into the ward when my wife and children moved out, so I could clean and prepare our home for sale, although I could have asked, there were no offers for assistance. The work of yard sale, five truck loads to the dump and another five loads to DI, and endless hours of cleaning and repairing were done alone. - Society paints the divorced father as the “deadbeat dad,” even though statistics show most are current on alimony and child support. Movies portray men as bumbling and inept. (Another book can be written here, and some have, such as “Fatherless America.”)
- Family law treats the father as guilty until proven innocent. Another book could be written, and indeed several have (“Taken Into Custody: The War Against Fathers, Marriage, and the Family”), that described the unconstitutionality of family law. As soon as our divorce degree was signed, processes were in place to garnish my wages, and adjust these garnishments automatically for insurance coverage. Too much to say here, but I found that Utah’s Office of Recovery Services, for example, knows about my finances and changes in financial standing before I even have a chance to call them and make changes myself–when my employment ended last year, they contacted my ex before she even knew I was out of work, requiring her to get insurance for the children before I called them to give them my new insurance, costing a couple hundred dollars more per month.
- The woman will often keep the home, or moves to another less-expensive home, whereas the man usually goes to an apartment. Indeed, for the first two years after my divorce until I took my ex to mediation and had a small adjustment made to my alimony, I couldn’t afford a place that cost more than $250 per month. I am forever grateful the Arthur’s that allowed me to rent a room in their home and allow my children to camp out in sleeping bags on their basement floor when the came to visit. Even though just as much space is needed to host the children by the father, the woman’s place is seen as the children’s home, and the man’s just a place to visit. There’s not the same sense of stability or permanence for the man and his children. His is just a place to visit, not live.
- Men are given the feeling of being imprisoned. Sounds like an exaggeration? The divorce decree specifies visiting rights, when children can come visit their father. It’s a continual struggle for the man to see his children as much as he wants. When the woman’s holiday falls on the father’s weekend, for example, there no stipulation for making up the father’s lost time. (Labor day this year was Michelle’s weekend, which happened to fall on my weekend, meaning that a full four weeks will pass before I get to have my children for the weekend again. In that four-week period I will see them four Thursday evenings for three hours, 12 hours out of 672 hours. It’s hard for a father to feel like a father.)
- Men have a natural tendency and desire to be the protector of the family, but divorce prevents a father from doing this protecting, causing frustration, hurt, and even anger. I hear often of how mean and even cruel husbands can be, and wonder sometimes if this comes “naturally” (not that it’s right), when the wife files for divorce and the man’s ability to protect his family is threatened and finally taken away. I’ve only confessed this to one person, and I don’t consider myself an angry person, but after our separation I’m embarrassed to describe the fits of anger and even rage I went through after taking my children “home” after their visit with me, knowing I wouldn’t see them for another week. Let’s just say that I’m glad my car windows were up, and that I’m still alive. 🙂 The father loses his ability to protect his children, to know their lives and their friends, to be involved with them. I still have to calm myself when I remember what little part I play in my children’s lives since I’ve been removed from the home.
- Now I understand why some fathers sever ties with their children. To continually be saying goodbye to them, to then not see them for days or a week is painful. As much as I love my children, there have been times I wanted to quit the game and the pain. I push forward because I love my children and I know they need a father.
- Two thirds of divorces are filed by the wife, and family no-fault divorce law prevents the husband from having nearly any control in what transpires. He cannot prevent the divorce, becomes a pawn in the hands of his wife in the divorce process, and law favors the woman (although I hear it’s slowly getting better) and often grants the mother full physical custody.
- The father gets the feeling that he’s paying child support and alimony for the right to see his children. If a father falls in arrears, it’s not uncommon for the father to lose his visiting rights. As a side note, many years ago I was out of work for nine months. Our family buckled down and lived frugally and survived together. I was out of work for three months last fall, but that sense of “let’s work through this together” is entirely gone. I called the ORS to let them know I was out of work. I felt like the Gestapo was on my tail. “How are you going to pay? How are you going to get caught up?” My ex texted me and asked where payment was. It was a steamroller on my tail, threatening to run me over if I couldn’t make my payments. Instead of the feeling of “working together through a tough time and battening the hatches and sharing the pain,” everyone was against me. Indeed, I’ve heard of fathers out of work being put in jail for non-payment of child support and alimony. Now that’s a nice way to solve the problem, preventing the father from finding a job!
- Feminism plays an immense part in societal support of the woman over the man. (The book “Manning Up: How the Rise of Woman has turned Men into Boys” discusses this.) It’s not that women shouldn’t be equal in many regards to the man, but feminism diminishes the godly role of women in favor of taking over the role of the man, and likewise diminishes the godly role of the father.
In other words, Satan is winning many battles.
Forgive the long email. And I sense that may have come across as quite emotional. It was a chance for me to do a brain dump of thoughts from the past six years and help clarify what has been floating in my mind. It is to imagine what’s behind the 80% statistic you shared. It certainly came across rough and diminishing the pain of the woman in the divorce, but the intent was to help paint a picture of a man’s view. I wonder how close my experiences match those of others. I’m sure we’re all different.
And with all that said, as negative as it may have sounded, please know that I’m founded in my Savior and grateful for his Atonement. The heavy loads mentioned above have been lifted from my shoulders or at least been made incredibly lighter. I joy in the growth I’ve had over the past almost six years. I have profound gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned. Although nothing like what Abraham went through, recent years have been an Abrahamic test for me. Each of us will be given an opportunity to show our willingness to remain true to what we know and to show our commitment to our Father in Heaven. This life is short, with tests galore. You know of them yourself, with the loss of your good husband and your health issues. I have failed in many ways, but I have learned much, and at least I have learned better to not care what others think, and do my best to remain true. My blessings are innumerable. My heart burns with the knowledge of the importance of our covenants and foundation in Christ. I struggle daily to continue to seek to forgive fully. I’m just a proud and haughty man. It’s easy to blame others for my hard times, to play the victim. You mentioned forgiveness and asked about my journey with it. I’ve come so far, but it’s the highest hurdle I’ve been faced with. Not long after your shared your response to my email, below, to my mind came the story of Corrie Ten-Boom. I believe it was she that years later after the concentration camp came face to face with the man that had brought into her life so much horror. And she was to shake his hand and forgive him.
Through it all, I want my brothers in the gospel to have the same redeeming experiences I’ve had over recent years, and to not lose hope.
And children are so deeply affected by fathers leaving the Church. How can we bring these men back?
I’m curious how you heard that the Church leaders are concerned about single men. What have you read or heard? I hear and see little support in the Church for men of divorce. The occasional talk and Ensign article, but even those are as often about men whose wives passed away, not men of divorce. How do we reach those men that are leaving, the 80%? They need to be caught at the time of divorce, not afterwards. The nature of what I’ve said above means they’re out of reach of the Church and its leaders too quickly. Three months before my divorce I was already out of the home and the ward. I can hardly describe the difficulty I had in going to a new ward as a newly separated man. It was monumental. I had to put all perceived embarrassment and awkwardness aside and go only for me. Those seven months before I moved back into the ward to sell our home were the most awkward of my life. Then those three months back in my home ward as a single man, awkwardness all over again, with people who just moved out my ex and children, and who didn’t know how to relate with me. I was an island. Then to move into our ward here, Parkway 4th, was yet starting over again. I try to imagine what would have given me support. Who could have reached out to me, and when? My new bishops tried, but they didn’t know me and weren’t familiar with divorced men and their issues.
I wish there were something I could do. (There are some things I’m doing on the side, and I’m curious of they will someday play some part.) I know a few men who have or are going through divorce, and unfortunately, in some regards, they are among the 20% that will stay active in the Church. What about the 80%? I wish there was a support group that immediately upon separation fell into place to give the man guidance and strength. To leave the responsibility upon new home teachers in a new ward, who don’t understand divorce, and who wouldn’t likely be assigned until the man is past the three-month mark and “lost,” isn’t working. Support must not be at the ward, nor even the stake level, because the men move out of their home stakes, and the new ward doesn’t know of them soon enough.
So many unanswered questions. So much work to do.
Carl