Monthly Archives: June 2018

The more they love you the less they need you

It’s my weekend as a trade for last weekend because my children were at a church event last weekend with their mom’s ward. Now it’s Friday night. But my ex wanted to take the kids to a movie so said she’d bring them tomorrow morning. So I texted her back and asked if I could get a night added sometime this summer. I said it less because I could figure out how to do that, and more to impress upon her I was concerned about what she was doing, taking one of my nights.

She: “When they are gone to youth activities during your time, I don’t feel a need to make up the time since they are also gone for youth activities on my weekends – it is about supporting the kids. And since [your son] is going to Moab with you, I just understand that it is part of the give and take and have not thought to try and keep things ‘even.’ I am more than happy to be flexible when you have things scheduled. Just let me know when you would like them.”

Me: “Just understand that I see them only about 8 days a month, whereas you get them about 20, which itself is far from even. U.S. family law seldom gives the father enough to do his part to support his kids.”

She: “Divorce is far from ideal and it is important for them to have a relationship with you. [Your  children] adore you.”

Some Thoughts

  • Since the mother has the children most of the time, for her to extend her time is easy. She just brings them a day late into the father’s weekend, which she already has off work. For the father to extend his time, he has to take a day off work. (Or to try to grab a day from the mother’s weekend in my case requires two extra hour-long round trips to get and return the kids.)
  • “Divorce is far from ideal.” In other words, “take your lot and deal with it.”
  • “It is important for them to have a relationship with you.” She’s trying to make me feel good and to stop complaining. I just want to see my children.
  • What does “your children adore you” have to do with how much time I get with my children? Because they adore me I don’t need to see them as much? That’s supposed to make me feel better, and make up for seeing them less? Is this to help me stop being sad at my little time with them? If they didn’t like me wouldn’t I want to see them even more and try to make my relationship better?
  • When she asked to let her know when I want them, I should have told her, “Every weekend.”

Letter to my missionary

Dearest [Daughter],

I sit here before a blank slate, wondering what to say. What have been the lessons of the week? I’ve been thinking of [your brother] all week, with his birthday nearing. You were so thoughtful to have thought of my birthday long beforehand, so [your sister] could deliver your wonderful and personal card on the day. Knowing that alone made the card touching and meaningful. The boy, my son, one whom I love dearly. Where is he? How is he? What is he thinking? How can I show my love to him? What does he do with his time? Who are his friends? Does he think of his Heavenly Father? Does he know that he’s loved of so many? Does he know I love him?

This year, as last, I bought the same birthday gift for all of my boys, as I did all of my girls. The boys I bought Liahona tie tacks. And for [your brother], as this is his 25th birthday, I included a cake mix and several varied kinds of wonderful candles, including mini birthday cake sparklers [his birthday is on the 4th of July]. For the girls … well, you’ll have to wait.

So what did I learn this week? On a weekend when I was to have [your younger brother and sister] stay with me but they were at youth conference, and thinking of [your older brother] and his upcoming birthday, then for some reason having half a dozen people today at church ask me out of the blue how my children are, and three of them asking, “How is your missionary?,” and feeling so sad at being so distanced from you all … but I didn’t share that part, but just that they’re doing wonderfully. And they are. But I had one thought that I shared with my good friend Sam today when he asked how you’re doing. …

When [your oldest brother] left on his mission, having just been separated from my family myself, I realized quickly that even though he was thousands of miles away, I was closer to him than the rest of my children. I felt disconnected from their daily lives. The rest were either out of the home on their own, or spending most of their time with their mother. But [he] was in this other world, the world of a mission. I was also on a mission, away from my family, learning on my own, serving and doing things that my family was not a part of. It was like [he] and I were on missions together. It was a sad day when he returned from his mission … but I didn’t return from mine. I lost that connection with him. The same happened with [his younger brother]. I joyed in every step of his mission too, as I did “mine.” But when he returned, I again shed real tears, knowing that I’d now lose touch with him as I had the others of my children, as he integrated back into the family that I was not part of.

I have a kinship with what you’re experiencing, because we’re away from our family on our own missions, and they know little of the details of what you and I are doing. But we are serving and loving and doing our best to bring God’s children back to Him.

Our Father in Heaven also misses us, and joys when we reach out to Him.

I run across pictures of you occasionally. I was struck a couple years ago that every picture of you I see shows a face of purity and godliness. This one happens to be open on my screen because I scanned it recently. It may not be a good quality picture, but your eyes, like every picture I find of you, is of the highest quality, showing simplicity … or simply put, the Light of Christ.

I love you dear daughter. I love what you’re doing. You are doing God’s will and you and others are blessed for it.

The lesson of this week: I love each of my children … and God loves his.

Love always,

Dad