A review of what the scriptures and our church leaders say about divorce.

The following, from the Bible Dictionary in our scriptures, was added to our canonized scriptures under the approval of our general authorities. It states clearly in one sentence that divorce is against God’s laws:

Permitted under some circumstances because of the hardness of the people’s hearts, but as explained by Jesus, “from the beginning it was not so” (Matt. 19:3–12). Regulation concerning divorce under the law of Moses is found in Lev. 21:14; Deut. 22:19, 29; 24:1–4. In the New Testament there are instructions relating to divorce in Matt. 5:31–32;19:3–12; Mark 10:2–12; Luke 16:18; 1 Cor. 7:10–17.

The following, Leviticus 21 and Deuteronomy, is instruction to the priests, the the sons of Aaron. (And if we’re not also priests ordained to God’s priesthood in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then who or what are we? It references those who offer the “bread of their God,” for us the Sacrament in our day. It is therefore difficult to not include myself in these injunctions. The Church’s heading to the chapter reads, “The priests are to be holy—The high priest is not to marry a widow, a divorced person, or a harlot…” So whether deacon, teacher, priest, or high priest in our day, I believe we’re included, especially when Christ, as quoted above, brings the sanctity of marriage as defined by the Mosaic law, forward into his day and ours.)

Leviticus 21

1 And the Lord said unto Moses, Speak unto the priests the sons of Aaron, and say unto them …:

7 They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband: for he is holy unto his God.

12 … for the crown of the anointing oil of his God is upon him …

13 And he shall take a wife in her virginity.

14 A widow, or a divorced woman, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife.

Deuteronomy 22

19 … and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.

29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

Deuteronomy 24

1 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

2 And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife.

3 And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;

4 Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the Lord: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the Lord thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.

5 When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.

Concerning the above, Christ said the following, indicating that divorce is not sanctioned of God, but Moses allowed it because of the wickedness (hardheartedness) of the people; it would seem that means that since they had condemned themselves already, and their hearts were cold and not tuned to God, they would not, without God’s help, be able to repair their marriages. Sounds like our day. People then and now were unwilling to keep their contracts (of marriage) and felt entitled to do what they wanted in spite of God’s law.

(Note that there is much more in these scriptures concerning remarriage and such, that I’ll not comment here. Make your own conclusions.)

Matthew 5

31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

Matthew 19

3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?

4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?

8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

10 His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.

11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.

12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

Mark says the same, then adds this at the end:

Mark 10 (See also Luke 16:18)

12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

Paul likewise condemns divorce, but if a woman leaves a husband she is not to remarry.

1 Corinthians 7 (read the entire chapter, but here’s the part focused on divorce)

10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:

11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

17 But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.

What about modern prophets? Here are some enlightening words.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, Quorum of the 12, April General Conference, 2007

The concept that society has a strong interest in preserving marriages … has been replaced for many by the idea that marriage is only a private relationship between consenting adults, terminable at the will of either. … [U]nder current no-fault divorce laws, it can be easier to sever a marriage relationship with an unwanted spouse than an employment relationship with an unwanted employee. [I will say more about the evils of no-fault divorce in other posts. It may be the premier cause of the disintegration of the family in recent decades.] … The weakening of the concept that marriages are permanent and precious has far-reaching consequences. … [M]odern prophets have warned that looking upon marriage “as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,” especially where children are made to suffer. …The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce. … Because “of the hardness of [our] hearts,” the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard. He permits divorced persons to marry again without the stain of immorality specified in the higher law. [But who of us is not seeking for the celestial standard?  Who of us has given up on living the higher law?] …

We know that some look back on their divorces with regret at their own partial or predominant fault in the breakup. All who have been through divorce know the pain and need the healing power and hope that come from the Atonement. That healing power and that hope are there for them and also for their children. [This is a ray of light for all of us involved in divorce. I speak with certainty that all of us, whether the divorcer or divorcee, has fault in our marriages, especially for men. None are perfect.] …

[F]ace up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce.[How many of us have said that divorce is worse than death? The recent years would have been relatively a “piece of cake” if my spouse would have passed away. Visitation laws, the interference and insertion of many government programs into my life and family, child support and alimony with no say in how our money is spent, misunderstandings by our siblings and parents, loss of homes and control of our lives, and so man more things.] Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts. …

Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage …. Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages …. Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages. …

[T]he one who is wronged should balance current disappointments against the good of the past and the brighter prospects of the future. [In our day of the two-hour movie in which all conflicts are resolved to a happy ending in minutes, we have become impatient, unforgiving, and lose hope.] …

Consider these observations of a wise bishop: … “Universally, every couple or individual said they recognized that divorce was not a good thing, but they all insisted that their situation was different. Universally, they focused on the fault of the spouse and attributed little responsibility to their own behavior. Communication had withered. Universally, they were looking back, not willing to leave the baggage of past behavior on the roadside and move on. Part of the time, serious sin was involved, but more often they had just ‘fallen out of love,’ saying, ‘He doesn’t satisfy my needs anymore,’ or, ‘She has changed.’ All were worried about the effect on the children, but always the conclusion was ‘it’s worse for them to have us together and fighting.’” In contrast, the couples who followed this bishop’s counsel and stayed together emerged with their marriages even stronger. That prospect began with their mutual commitment to keep the commandments, stay active in their Church attendance, scripture reading, and prayer, and to work on their own shortcomings. They “recognized the importance and power of the Atonement for their spouse and for themselves,” and “they were patient and would try again and again.” When the couples he counseled did these things, repenting and working to save their marriages, this bishop reported that “healing was achieved 100 percent of the time.”

Even those who think their spouse is entirely to blame should not act hastily. One study found “no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later.” ⁶ A woman who persisted in an intolerable marriage for many years until the children were raised explained: “There were three parties to our marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could hang in there, we could hold it together.”

Elder David B. Haight, Quorum of the 12 Apostles, April General Conference, 1984

President Spencer W. Kimball explained:

“The Lord organized the whole program in the beginning with a father who procreates, provides, and loves and directs, and a mother who conceives and bears and nurtures and feeds and trains. The Lord could have organized it otherwise but chose to have a unit with responsibility and purposeful associations where children train and discipline each other and come to love, honor, and appreciate each other. The family is the great plan of life as conceived and organized by our Father in Heaven.” (Ensign, July 1973, p. 15.)

Divorce can never really be final. How can mothers and fathers really divorce themselves from their own flesh and blood children, or from the memories of days and years of shared experiences which have become part of their very lives. …

Divorce rarely occurs without immense emotional, social, and financial upheaval. Most people underestimate the alienation, bitterness, disruption, and frustration between a divorcing couple, and among their children, friends, and relatives. Some never adjust to the resulting emotional consequences.

Perhaps most tragic of all is that more than 60 percent of all divorces involve children under eighteen years of age. Children of divorce all too often have a higher delinquency rate and less self-confidence, and tend to be more promiscuous and themselves more likely to have unhappy marriages. …

A few years ago, President Harold B. Lee received this letter from a married woman: “When we thought that the end was here and that there was only one thing to do and that was to get a divorce, we had been told that we should counsel with our bishop. At first … we hesitated, because he was just a young man. … But he was our bishop so we went to see him. We poured out our souls to our young bishop. He sat and listened silently, and when we ran out of conversation he said, simply, ‘Well, my wife and I, we had problems, too, and we learned how to solve them.’ That is all … he said. But you know there was something that happened as a result of that young bishop’s statement. We walked out of there and we said, ‘Well, if they can solve their problems, what is the matter with us?’” (Ensign, Jan. 1974, p. 100.) …

[E]very divorce is the result of selfishness on the part of one or both. …

Latter-day Saints need not divorce—there are solutions to marriage problems. If, as husband and wife, you are having serious misunderstandings or if you feel some strain or tension building up in your marriage, you should humbly get on your knees together and ask God our Father, with a sincere heart and real intent, to lift the darkness that is over your relationship, that you may receive the needed light, see your errors, repent of your wrongs, forgive each other, and receive each unto yourselves as you did in the beginning. I solemnly assure you that God lives and will answer your humble pleas, for he has said, “Ye shall ask whatsoever you will in the name of Jesus and it shall be done.” (D&C 50:29.)

A recent pair of articles in the Ensign are helpful to read: Latter-day Saint Men and Divorce

Now with that all said and put into black and white, lest you think I’m placing all blame on our wives for our troubled marriages, that’s not so. Although I think divorce is wrong and selfish as the quotes above testify, no husband or ex-husband reading this should think that the entire blame is on our wives. We played a part in the selfishness. And most of us men are an imperfect bunch, “carnal, sensual, and devilish,” as a wise man once said. We have room to improve, too.

 Because of the Hardness of their Hearts

What does it mean when I have a “hard” heart? How can I have a soft heart?