I share many things on this web site not to raise your anger, but to help you understand where your feelings come from, then to move forward, find joy, and as you have occasion perhaps help others going through these same trials. Some things will give you ideas to push for more involvement with your children.

I was also told “it’s  customary for the mother to get the children” as the divorce papers were set in front of me. And it certainly was. But that didn’t mean it was right.

Even you, the husband and father, may be caught in the trap. I was. I was entirely under the impression that this process was normal, standard, lawful, and that there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

If nothing else I am eternally blessed to have had a wife who is active in the church. That has been an indescribable blessing for my children. I can’t imagine having to deal with my children being caught between an active and an inactive parent, when the spiritual aspects of our lives are eternally significant.

But my ex insisted and encouraged my teenage children to not attend church with me, under the guise that she didn’t want their youth program experience to be split in two. But I knew inside that it is more important that I worship with my children than that they have a split experience. But I didn’t want my children caught in the middle of this argument, so didn’t fight the battle for my two children who were teenagers at the time–so far with the next younger two of my children she has not pressed it, so they come to church with me. It has been wonderful. I have a close relationship with these two, whereas the next older two, who were teenagers at the time of the divorce, but although we love each other we aren’t as close. One of the two, who returned from his a mission a year ago now, wishes he had spent more time with me. As it was, he and his teenage sister would come stay Friday night, but leave Saturday evening to attend church with Mom. The next, my daughter, is now on a mission.

That shortened time with the two was most heart wrenching. I’m still sad to think about it. It made my time with them only a few hours a month. It has affected both of them and my relationship with them deeply. I can only pray that my Father in Heaven will bless them in the long run in spite of the struggle.

I have done everything I can to not have my children be caught in the middle of these discussions. Because I knew my ex was pushing her desire on them, any mention I made would have caught in the middle of the debate. It was most difficult, giving me many sleepless nights, but I sense it has preserved my relationship with those two, even if not as close, keeping it loving instead of antagonistic. I have learned very clearly that any negative comment to my children about their mother is not good. Indeed, the irony is that I still love their mother dearly, but the divorce has put the divorce contract and government agencies and society between us.

For my youngest two I have arranged on my weekends to have them from Friday after school until I take them to school Monday morning. Those quiet Sunday evenings have become the most sacred and wonderful times of the month, when we sit together, talk, and share feelings.